So every now and then, I get asked how I maintain my body – after all, I’ve maintained this figure for 6 years with virtually no change in measurements.
I’ve hesitated to write this for a long time because I’ve felt like I’m in no position to talk about dieting or maintaining my figure. I look the way I do largely because of genetics – Pa is tall and thin, Ma is petite, so there really wasn’t an option for me to get fat.
However, when the second year of college rolled around, I found I couldn’t fit into my shorts. Damn freshman year and all-you-can-eat buffets in the dining hall! From then on, I was determined never to let that – growing out of my clothes – happen again.
I decided to write this finally BECAUSE so many people out there write it without taking into consideration the average person. For instance, the average person doesn’t have a gym membership or live in an apartment that has a fitness complex. Most people who want to lose weight have busy working lives, have kids, work two jobs, etc. They don’t have time to hit the gym 4 or 5 times a week. I don’t like it when these self-proclaimed fitness writers write some shit like, “Well, you’re too tired to go to the gym after work, but you have to force yourself to,” or, “If you can’t exercise after work, wake up an hour earlier the next morning to exercise.” I think that’s shit.
There are very easy ways to lose weight and get fit without spending a ton of money and without turning your diet or schedule upside-down.
Obviously, if you want to lose weight extremely fast, you have to be a little more extreme in your regimen. Like, duh, right?
What I’m offering here is a very gradual but very maintainable regimen.
It’s easy – well, the principles behind it are easy. If you have no self-discipline, then neither I nor anyone else can help you.
Here we go:
#1 Chow down
On vegetables, that is! Y’know those fitness magazines say that one-third of your dinner plate should be carbs, and the remainder should be divided equally between vegetables and protein?
What I say is, switch the vegetables with the carbs. Your dinner plate should be one-third vegetables (no root vegetables like potatoes and carrots though, everything else is okay) and the rest is lean protein (beef is okay as long as it’s a lean cut), and carbs like whole wheat pasta or brown rice.
Avoid potatoes and turnips because they’re just starch and they contain very little fiber for their weight. Yes, potatoes in all their fabulous forms are delicious, but save it for Sunday brunch. The rest of the week, stick to broccoli, cauliflower, beans, spinach, kale, etc. I like broccoli a lot – it’s yummy with a little salt or a smidgen of butter, it’s easy to cook (steam), it’s filling, it’s full of fiber, and has just enough starch.
If you wanna eat rice, eat rice, but make it brown rice. It has at least a little bit more fiber, vitamins and minerals than processed white rice. Just a teeny itty-bitty change. That’s totally doable, right?
Oh, and here are two important words everyone must know: PORTION CONTROL. If you usually eat twice or three times the serving size of cereal, you are eating too much. Be reasonable, m’kay? When you eat a bowl of cereal, it’s a breakfast bowl, not a mixing bowl. If you can’t hold your sandwich comfortably in both hands without it falling apart, it is too big. If your steak is the size of your face, cut it in half and eat the rest tomorrow. Use your palm as a guide to serving size; one palm-ful is one serving size… approximately. It’s not scientifically accurate, but it’s a reasonable rule of thumb.
Still hungry after lunch/dinner? You didn’t eat enough vegetables.
A big part of “eating right” is using your goddamn common sense. Is an iced cinnamon bun a healthy breakfast item, or is a plate of spaghetti with a side of french fries a reasonable dinner? The answers are no and no, and if you had to pause and think about it, you have no common sense.
#2 Drink up
But ditch the soft drinks. Not only are they chockful of sugar, sugar substitute, and whatever bunch of chemicals and chemical by-products, the carbonation gives you gas, which makes you fart. Is farting sexy? Why, no, no it isn’t.
So drink tea, water, those fancy Smart Water/Zero Water/etc. if you want to, coffee, milk, soy milk, fruit juice (not juice drinks, mind you!), low-sugar Gatorade/Sportade/etc., anything that isn’t a soft drink, juice drink, faux juice, etc. I hate when those bottles of juices are like, “65% juice.”
Still hungry after breakfast, lunch, or dinner? Drink water. Feel like nibbling on potato chips? Drink water. Sitting around chatting with your friends? Drink water. Bored and have nothing to do? Drink water.
Water water water water water water water water water water water water water water.
#3 Work Walk it out
- Walk everywhere. I mean it – don’t take a bus if you can walk to your destination in 20 minutes.
- Miss the bus. See your bus whizzing by? That’s okay, just walk to the next bus stop and take the next one from there.
- Wearing heels? Bring a pair of flats with you to wear on your way to and after work. Slide in gel insoles to make them comfy.
- Take the long way. If the grocery store is just across the street, take the long meandering route – go around the block, make a figure-8, retrace your steps, whatever you have to do – to get there instead. If you work on the 4th floor, walk up one flight of stairs and take the elevator from the second floor. (If you work on the 3rd floor, just take the stairs, man.) When going out to buy the newspaper, don’t go to the nearest mini-mart; instead walk to another one that’s a little bit further. These little changes make a difference in the long run, especially if you’re making them every single day.
- Don’t take the escalator if you can take the stairs.
- Walk while talking on the phone.
- Find yourself going through a bag of shrimp chips? Walk.
- Want to take a break from studying or working? Don’t get on Facebook – go out and walk.
- Just finished dinner at home with the family? Go out for a walk.
- It’s Sunday morning, you’re dehydrated, tired, and a little hung-over? Drink water and then go out and walk.
- Your friend is late and you’re just standing around waiting. WALK.
- Watching TV? Turn it off and get out there and walk.
Yeah, it’s just walking. It’s not really “working out,” right? Well, yeah, but walking means burning calories, and burning calories means burning fat, and burning fat means losing weight and being able to see those ab muscles again. Plus, your thighs will get slimmer and your calves will get crazy toned. All shoes look great on toned calves. Trust me on this.
Now, DO NOT TELL ME YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO WALK. All those times you’re sitting around surfing the Internet and checking your e-mail for the 10th time that day, you could’ve been out walking. As long as you’re out walking, you’re not at home snacking, which is great. As long as you’re moving, you’re burning calories, which is stupendous.
Okay, how easy is this regimen:
- If you must drink something, drink plain water.
- Eat your vegetables first.
- Walk when you can.
Very easy to remember, right?? Now you have no excuse to stay flabby. And if you insist that going to the gym is the only way to get in shape, please let me know so I can tell you to your face (or on the phone, whichever works) that you suck.
VERY NSFW-ness under the cut. VERY NSFW-ness under the cut. VERY NSFW-ness under the cut.
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